Polyfest Moment In Time_The day I performed

The night I did polyfest_Moment In time
“Mum it is almost 5.30.We need to go now to Hosanna for Polyfest.”
“Mum I’m so nervous I think I could eat a whole tub of ice cream”. “Can we just go back home and forget about the whole polyfest because theres always another year, aye”. I instantly began to think as I am shaking with fear.
“Hi Auntie Julie,are we going inside now”,I murmur
“Not  yet baba”my Auntie replies as she murmurs quietly,”Ohh ok”,I say.” I’m so nervous Auntie” I reply quietly. “Don’t worry,you’ll do good out there”,my Auntie says.
As the drum starts,my pounding heart begins to drum in time with the drum. “Do I go on the stage yet and show my moves”,I ask.
“Be ready,we’re about to go on the stage”,a voice says. Curiosity forces me to ask who but it doesn't matter.
“I’m in love with the costume,it’s as beautiful as beyonce”, I say changing the im in love with coco lyrics.
The awful singing of my brother J.D,almost putting me off. The sounds of J.D’s flatness,interrupts me.
Finally,finished at last. Home sweet home at last. To be honest,this was the funniest and fun experience.
Ugene .jpg
Feedback:
Angel. What a good way to lure the reader. This really was very interesting to read. I like how you included dialogue. This really made me visualise. I really like your ending.


Strengths:

  • A really good beginning middle and ending
  • Using dialogue to tell the story in an interesting way
  • Capital letters for names, and question marks
  • Using a simile about J.D
  • Paragraphs
Next Steps:
  • Put more detail into each paragraph
  • Use some compound sentences with 2 or more ideas to add in detail
  • Full stops at the end of each sentence and capital letters at the beginning of the next one

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